Good-byes and Lessons

Somewhere, some place, we will see you again. 

Come back to Turkey soon--you’re an American, you don’t need visas to go anywhere. 

I know where to go when I come to the States: Detroit, Michigan!

You better be coming to my wedding. I’m mailing you the invitation. 

I hope you are leaving with good memories of us. 

You want to live in Turkey someday? --Well, maybe. Why you not just marry Turkish man? 

Don’t forget us, teacher. 

 After 3 unforgettable weeks introducing my family to tea and the call to prayer, I came back to Erzurum for one final weekend. Now I’m on my way home for real. I’m typing while sitting and sweating (air conditioners can make you ill) at Erzurum Airport’s only gate. The ride to the airport was beautiful. As a reward for 9 months of winter, Erzurumlu are given a perfect summer. The mountains are green and covered with wildflowers and the dry climate makes the skies cloudless. 

You’ll have to forgive me for this sentimental entry but I can’t imagine it another way. My good-byes to Erzurum have been quite drawn out. I said good-bye to my students when classes ended, I said good-bye to some of friends who left for their hometown while I was with my family at the beginning of June, and I made my final good-byes this weekend. For my heart’s sake, I have to follow-up every good-bye with a promise to visit. Especially, because I know that I will get the response, ‘inshallah’, God willing. And they are correct: there is no way to know today but God willing, I will visit. Two of my colleagues will marry in two years and I’ve asked them, with a wink, to set their dates close together so I can attend both. Inshallah. 

When I introduced my family to my boss, Muzaffer Bey, he told my parents that he was disappointed that I had changed my mind about staying for another year. He continued, however, that he knew why I had decided to go home. He motioned to the five of us surrounding him, drinking one of our first of many teas together and said, “Because of you all. I know that Helen misses you.” He is right. I thank him and many of the Turks I met this year for reinforcing that truth: family is the most important. My parents taught me this truth  by raising my siblings and I in the loving way they did.  Before I came to Turkey, this was balanced in my head with the American emphasis on individualism and self-empowerment. Now that I’ve had a year in another culture, it’s easier to comment on my own. I see that in America, children are encouraged to go far away if it means better education or a better opportunity. Missing family reunions or weddings are excused for professional or educational reasons. I don’t deny that such ideals have a place but living in a society where family was truly, truly number one has had a true impact on me. 

If I asked my 18-year-old male students to describe the most beautiful woman they know, I can guarantee that most, if not all, would describe their mother. For traditional Turkish marriages, more emphasis is placed on the engagement than the wedding because that is when the families of the bride and groom meet for the first time. It was not uncommon for my students to answer “homesick” before they answered “fine, thanks, and you?” when I asked them how they were doing. My girlfriend Nermin’s mother came to visit from Istanbul for a month this year and it was perceived as too short a time in one year to spend with your mother. And no one seemed surprised at all when I said that my family would be staying for 3 weeks. 

I don’t mean to be critical of the American way of living the “family is number one” adage and if it wasn’t for the American values of ambition and stretching oneself, I would not be sitting in the Erzurum airport right now. But as I reflect at all the lessons Turkey has taught me this year, I keep coming back to this value on family. 

Now, I will not hesitate to confidently state that one of my most important long term goals is to be close to my family. I want to be successful and I want to have a meaningful career but I am also willing to amend that path to see my family easily in the long run. 

To my Turkish friends and students, thank you for teaching me to be proud of how much I love and want to be with my family. And thank you for treating me like a daughter and a sister since my family was so far away this year. You taught me, guided me and loved me and there is not way to truly express my thanks. Okay, I am now on the plane, crying and breaking regulations by keeping this laptop on. For the safety of this plane and for the comfort of the man next to me who does not know what to do, I will close my computer. 

What I will miss and not miss . . .

An incomplete list: 

I will miss çağ kebab. Lamb roasted sideways on the fire and served with flat bread, peppers and yogurt by waiters who know your drink order because you are one of four foreigners to enter their restaurant. An Erzurum speciality. Yum. 

I will not miss been nearly toppled over by teyzes (aunties) who seem to have no sense of personal space or possibly peripheral vision under all their layers of clothing. 

I will miss the kindness of bus drivers, waiters, government workers and handymen. No task seemed too great for me to receive a rude response. I’ve been “given a break” on everything this year. When I was late for the bus, drivers waited. When I was a few lira short, I was told not to worry about it. When I ordered a drink not in stock, a little boy was sent out to fetch it.

I will not miss the over the shoulder stare from the person behind me in line every time I withdrew money. I guess knowing how much money the young foreigner had was very important for the city of Erzurum to know. 

I will miss being a guest. After 9 months, I no longer deserve the status (I have a residency card, not a tourist visa!) but I can’t say I stopped enjoying the perks. I wasn’t charged for my excess baggage weight today at the Turkish Airlines counter because I was guest to Turkey. 1. No way Delta is not doing that, not even to welcome me home. 2. How is that sustainable business practice for an airline? 

I will not miss the toilets. I will spare you the details but I will certainly not miss the toilets. 

I will miss trying to speak Turkish and the victorious feeling of being understood. 

I will not miss not knowing what people are talking about, especially when I’ve already asked them to explain. 

I will miss all the Turkish phrases that are appropriate for specific situations. Geçmis olsun: said to a sick person or to someone who just did something difficult, from taking an exam to bumping his or her head. Afiyet olsun: said before eating, after eating, while eating, when you are walking to lunch, when you are buying food. Kolay gelsin: said to someone who is doing work from sweeping the floor to working in a shop. Selam söyle: said when someone is talking to or soon visiting family, it means “say hi”. I will also miss the praise from my students when I used one of these appropriately. 

I will miss Turkish Airlines. The best airline in Europe...and Asia. (Actual slogan)

I will miss the extension of activities. In Erzurum, dinner invitations turn into sleepovers, breakfasts end at 5 pm. Social events never seem to end unless I had a genuine excuse to leave. (Side note: Having to skype my family, prepare for class or being tired were never adequate excuses. I learned that I could just use my hosts’ internet to skype, prepare for class while they did the dishes, or take a nap in their bed!)

I will miss the lira. And getting a paycheck, I suppose. For now at least. 

I will miss the tea after dinner. But never fear, friends and family, I have a double boiler teapot (necessary) and a kilo of tea from the city of Rize (only the best) in my overweight suitcase for after dinner teas in the future. 

Benim kız kardeşim geldi! My sister came!

Being an abla (elder sister) comes with its struggles and rewards. Its struggles, like your little sister forgetting to pack her toothbrush not once but twice--even after you buy her another one, are often comical. Its rewards are many and powerful. The rewards: Colette agreeing after only one phone call to come to Turkey a week before the rest of the family to help me pack and to travel  together. Accepting and understanding my superfluous tears as she describes Kathleen's wedding to me (Am I extra emotional this week about leaving Erzurum, my friends, and students? Certainly.). Not caring that our mini bus will not leave for another half hour because there is no where she would rather be than staring at Akdamar Island on the shores of Lake Van--plus, we have some almonds to eat. And finally, telling me that she knows I am busy but she wishes I would blog more because she likes it. And she would be a good guest blogger. So here she is. Ladies and gentlemen, Colette Berg!

It seems that all I have done since I arrived in Turkey on Sunday is eat, drink tea, and meet kind people. I tell you, this is my kind of country. Everywhere we go in Erzurum, people greet us with a cheerful hello, ask my name, and offer us tea. I love getting the chance to see the strong community that my sister has here--from her enthusiastic students to her co-workers at the university to the waiters at the Fulbrighters' favorite restaurant. Yesterday, while drinking tea with HM's boss, (this was our fourth out of seven cups that day), he lamented that HM is going back to the US soon. However, he admitted, "Family comes first." I must agree. While I am so excited to see the sights of Turkey, this is a small joy compared to the joy of being with my Abla again.

My most memorable day so far was going to a mangal--barbecue--with HM and Nermin's English students. They had just completed their final English exam, so no doubt their brains were fried, yet many of them still made conversation with me, with many gestures to facilitate understanding. We ate dozens of chicken wings with lavash bread, then goofed around on the playground. My proudest moment was during a volleyball game. I heard the phrase "salaam aleikoum"--peace be with you--and gave the response "aleikoum salaam"--and also with you. Ironic that my first successful Turkish interaction occurred in Arabic. Everyone clapped, happy to hear teacher's sister say something comprehensible. I had learned it from one of the Orhan Pamuk books HM recommended to me. As HM promised, traditional dance followed the meal. I learned a dance, realized that I have been snapping my fingers wrong all my life, and then did the Cupid Shuffle with HM, Nermin, and a few students. The best part about the afternoon was just getting to hang out with a bunch of people who just finished freshman year of college, just like me.

We decided to go to Van for the weekend, and I got the full eastern Turkey bus experience. An elderly Teyze--aunty--sat down in the aisle at my feet, and later fell asleep with her head almost in my lap. I slept for most of the bus ride, and when HM asked me if i was uncomfortable and wanted to switch places, I replied, "I am asleep right now," and promptly closed my eyes again.

Today we explored a beautiful Armenian church, and tonight we'll visit a castle! Insallah, the next few weeks will be as magical as my first few days in Turkey.