Good-byes and Lessons

Somewhere, some place, we will see you again. 

Come back to Turkey soon--you’re an American, you don’t need visas to go anywhere. 

I know where to go when I come to the States: Detroit, Michigan!

You better be coming to my wedding. I’m mailing you the invitation. 

I hope you are leaving with good memories of us. 

You want to live in Turkey someday? --Well, maybe. Why you not just marry Turkish man? 

Don’t forget us, teacher. 

 After 3 unforgettable weeks introducing my family to tea and the call to prayer, I came back to Erzurum for one final weekend. Now I’m on my way home for real. I’m typing while sitting and sweating (air conditioners can make you ill) at Erzurum Airport’s only gate. The ride to the airport was beautiful. As a reward for 9 months of winter, Erzurumlu are given a perfect summer. The mountains are green and covered with wildflowers and the dry climate makes the skies cloudless. 

You’ll have to forgive me for this sentimental entry but I can’t imagine it another way. My good-byes to Erzurum have been quite drawn out. I said good-bye to my students when classes ended, I said good-bye to some of friends who left for their hometown while I was with my family at the beginning of June, and I made my final good-byes this weekend. For my heart’s sake, I have to follow-up every good-bye with a promise to visit. Especially, because I know that I will get the response, ‘inshallah’, God willing. And they are correct: there is no way to know today but God willing, I will visit. Two of my colleagues will marry in two years and I’ve asked them, with a wink, to set their dates close together so I can attend both. Inshallah. 

When I introduced my family to my boss, Muzaffer Bey, he told my parents that he was disappointed that I had changed my mind about staying for another year. He continued, however, that he knew why I had decided to go home. He motioned to the five of us surrounding him, drinking one of our first of many teas together and said, “Because of you all. I know that Helen misses you.” He is right. I thank him and many of the Turks I met this year for reinforcing that truth: family is the most important. My parents taught me this truth  by raising my siblings and I in the loving way they did.  Before I came to Turkey, this was balanced in my head with the American emphasis on individualism and self-empowerment. Now that I’ve had a year in another culture, it’s easier to comment on my own. I see that in America, children are encouraged to go far away if it means better education or a better opportunity. Missing family reunions or weddings are excused for professional or educational reasons. I don’t deny that such ideals have a place but living in a society where family was truly, truly number one has had a true impact on me. 

If I asked my 18-year-old male students to describe the most beautiful woman they know, I can guarantee that most, if not all, would describe their mother. For traditional Turkish marriages, more emphasis is placed on the engagement than the wedding because that is when the families of the bride and groom meet for the first time. It was not uncommon for my students to answer “homesick” before they answered “fine, thanks, and you?” when I asked them how they were doing. My girlfriend Nermin’s mother came to visit from Istanbul for a month this year and it was perceived as too short a time in one year to spend with your mother. And no one seemed surprised at all when I said that my family would be staying for 3 weeks. 

I don’t mean to be critical of the American way of living the “family is number one” adage and if it wasn’t for the American values of ambition and stretching oneself, I would not be sitting in the Erzurum airport right now. But as I reflect at all the lessons Turkey has taught me this year, I keep coming back to this value on family. 

Now, I will not hesitate to confidently state that one of my most important long term goals is to be close to my family. I want to be successful and I want to have a meaningful career but I am also willing to amend that path to see my family easily in the long run. 

To my Turkish friends and students, thank you for teaching me to be proud of how much I love and want to be with my family. And thank you for treating me like a daughter and a sister since my family was so far away this year. You taught me, guided me and loved me and there is not way to truly express my thanks. Okay, I am now on the plane, crying and breaking regulations by keeping this laptop on. For the safety of this plane and for the comfort of the man next to me who does not know what to do, I will close my computer.